Christmas Necessities

Christmas, the annual spectacular that supposedly celebrates and commemorates the birth of the wee, leanbh Jesus Christ. The end of the advent season is a time for families to reflect on the year gone by appreciating those fortunate enough to still be in their lives. Sadly, for many this is a ballgame of the past. Nowadays, the event is more so a commercial extravaganza. Every item in the store becomes a must have and the presents become an expedition of the festival. I present you all with the Christmas essentials in my house, viewer discretion is advised.

1. The Turkey. Nothing screams Christmas better than to parade into the kitchen to the harsh image of your father fisting a twenty pound turkey. The man becomes obsessed with the festive meat. He revels in dispatching the giblets, the neck (I've been formally warned to refer to it as the 'gizzard') and whatever other internal non-edible organs he can feast on. My mother then the polar opposite becomes alarmingly intimidated by this new creature that captures the devoted attention of her entire family over the holidays. But, can you blame her? A strange, unfamiliar bird prances into her home stealing the limelight from her. The only thing I'll plead for next Christmas is for our turkey to be scale less as in recent years it has come to illustrate the remains of a reptile rather than a component of the poultry family.

2. The Tree. It frustrates me that every year this shambles of a Christmas tree disembarks from the attic submitting a new level of shame to our family. A Christmas tree is essentially the rock of your tribe over the season, it showcases how seriously you take the holiday. Our failure of one isn't even triangular shaped, it becomes larger and bulkier the higher up. I go cross eyed within the first two hours of attempting to untangle baubles and I cry imagining the disaster that Santa Claus has to be greeted with whilst calling to our house Christmas eve.

Check out the swag on Jack Frost, those River Island boots don't come cheap.

3. The British Soap Operas. These are taken more seriously than our annual excursion to mass. I have chosen to incorporate solely the British versions in this bullet point. Just, in the off chance any of ye wrongfully assumed Fair City was earning a shout out here but apologies that I do not register Paul getting strawberry jam on Rachel's new handbag worthy of a three week storyline. But yes, Xmas isn't complete without them. There'll be an affair, a murder, a cancer scare, an addiction dilemma and a traumatic car crash all materialize to one family over the two week period, it will all peak at their Christmas dinner and a turkey will be lobbed at someone within the family. Side note, what the fuck is going on with Norris and Rita in Coronation Street? Are they friends or what's happening there for the last fifty odd years? I recognise they are probably lonely but their relationship, it's weird. Really fuckin' weird. Weirder than Roy Cropper, and that's saying something.

4. The Shit Presents. Please remind me why we do this to ourselves every year. You know what I'm talking about, everyone perched wide eyed around the living room smiling aimlessly unwrapping a pair of socks, cheap underwear or t shirts you wouldn't even dare wear taking out the bins on a Tuesday evening. It is sick. You have to be appreciative and grateful even though you have spent three month's income ensuring your loved ones seize a decent gift and you're left with glow in the dark crocs. It isn't fair.

5. The Festivity. Your parents appallingly have a set of teeth and showcase a smile over the holidays. The 'druncles' (drunk uncles) consistently have the Jameson at their fingertips and everyone pretends to enjoy each other's company until the new year when enough is finally enough. Once it's all over your hair is that bit thinner and your moobs are that bit heavier.