Losing Track

Why didn't I get that job? How did I fail that exam? Why am I always so broke? We are probably asking ourselves questions like this quite often. Life can be a real bitch at times and occasionally it's difficult not to let it and all the generic bullshit get you down, I mean we're only human after all.

On a stormy day it’s easy to forget that the sun is still shining behind all of those thick clouds. The same is true for problems we face in our lives. That's why I feel it's so important to have a core base in your life and to work from that. It's vital to never forget where you came from, you can have your own identity but honour your roots as it has helped make you who you are today.

While I feel we always have to keep a sharp eye on our ultimate goal we should never lose sight of our heritage and what started us off. This philosophy encourages us that we should always aim high and then aim even higher. We should have big dreams, and then set bigger dreams. We should assign no limits on what we can dare to achieve in our time on this earth, the world is your oyster. 

Notice how the bird is bigger than the actual house.

So, in light of all this soul searching last Saturday evening I planned to sit down for a few minutes with my mother before she went to spend the night at her sister's, they were attending some party together. I thought it would be a real learning opportunity, I thought she would help me look back at my humble beginnings and recognize the events in my life and her teachings, that gave me the character and confidence to be the person that I have become. I thought it was going to be a conversation to shape my life forever, one I'd recite on my death bed.

I perhaps thought too much.

I walk into the kitchen to the horrific sight of a slightly demented woman, barefoot and wide-eyed.

Mother: "Where's the scoop? Have you guys seen the scoop?" Her tongue was dangling out of her mouth and she was moving it in an anti-clockwise motion.
Me: "The scoop?" What was she on about? I literally hadn't a clue.
Mother: "Yes, did you spot it yet?" She was pointing at me quite dauntingly.
Me: "Am, no I didn't." A scoop of cocaine?
Mother: "Hah ha! I'm not wearing a dirty bra tonight, I'm bad enough." She had just taken a cup out of the cupboard and I was becoming uncomfortable with the manner in which she was smiling. 
Me: "Okay, Mam you're really not making any sense." I was terrified in that instance she was going to lob the cup at me.
Mother: "I need it for d'Daaaas." What? She needs a clean bra and a cup for my dad? They better not be planning on making a viral video.
Me: "I'm out of here, this is too weird."
Mother: "Wait, if you are heading upstairs you can take this with you." What was she going to hand me? The cup?

She walks out of the kitchen and into the utility, what was her deal? I love her unconditionally but if she is going to hand me a gun and ask me to hide it from the authorities before they call round looking for her, I'm going to refuse.

Mother: "Your sister's laundry, she's old enough now to have her mother doing it for her." The first sentence of her's to make some sense, relived if she was planning to shoot anyone my sister was first in line and it would allow me some time to plot a getaway.
Me: "Ah okay, will do." 
Mother: "I hate using the cups to scrap out the Daz but that scoop thing that comes with it doesn't look like it's coming back." Thankfully, she was talking about fuckin' washing powder the whole time, she's not crazy, just plain old mellow-dramatic like myself.
Mother: "Now the washing machine is empty I can finally wash my good bra." 
Me: "Why did you leave it until now to wash your clothes for tonight?" Seemed a pretty reasonable query, she was due to leave in less than two hours and she's known to take her time.  
Mother: "I've only one going-out bra and I couldn't find it until today." Yes, I was having a conversation about undergarments with my mother. 
Me: "Lucky you." At this point, I pleased to be leaving.
Mother: "Yeah, if I didn't find it I'd have gone out topless like that Anna Montana one. Hah ha!"

She then joyfully frolics into the dining room, singing to herself. She has a shower cap on because the fumes from the bargain-bin hair dye she uses need to be restrained. She then picks up a bright orange nail polish and starts painting her nails without her glasses, the outcome was like a toddler finger painting workshop. I was speechless, I was in shock. What a free-spirited woman.  

You are told in your journey the right people enter your life at different stages to help you soar to greater heights of personal fulfilment and accomplishment, maybe I'm too soft-hearted but I think my inspiration has been part of my journey since the very start.

A more accurate portrayal of both of us.

Love Your Body

Do you know what has really pissed me off lately? The media and society looking negatively on skinny or healthy people.

Disclaimer, I know eating disorders suck, this isn't about that. This is referring to when people who are naturally skinny, or just generally healthy and maintaining an active lifestyle are ridiculed over their appearance and size.

Unless you have been living under a rock for the last month you've probably heard the songs 'All About That Bass' by Meghan Trainor and 'Anaconda' by Nicki Minaj. The two songs have become hugely popular internationally and although both differ in terms of style and genre they share one notable similarity, they both contain an aspect of skinny-shaming. Now, I acknowledge that Trainor's song is overall spreading a positive message about image perception and encouraging women to welcome their body shapes, but why does this have to be done in an approach that includes mocking those who do not fit their concept of what is beautiful? 

One of the songs in question.
Minaj on the other hand I feel is just being controversial for the sake of selling albums and her outspokenness is one of the least things to worry about. I mean have you seen that video? It could revive the dead.   

Both songs address 'skinny bitches'. There's a mindset nowadays, that somehow justifies slim people receiving rude insults thrown at them regarding their size and in this case personality. Talk about stereotypes overload. Newsflash: bitches come in all shapes and sizes, heavy girls can be bitches too.

We really need to take our focus off body shape or appearance and towards being happy and healthy. I'm as guilty as anyone for objectifying myself and seeing my body and appearance as an object to be worked upon to fit ideals of attractiveness.

How come in modern culture heavier girls are encouraged to celebrate their curves and love their insecurities but thin girls aren't permitted to love their bones and embrace their self-doubts? Log into any social media site and you will most likely see some silly photograph belittling someone's self esteem or body image. How is it acceptable telling skinny girls to go eat a burger but it's not okay to do the same to a photograph of a fat girl and telling her to go eat a carrot? Because to me, I fail to see the difference. People need to recognise that titles like anorexic twig or skeleton are just as insulting as calling someone fat.

As men and women we should be able to love our bodies, love our bones, love our curves, love our feckin' overgrown toenails if needs be, love what makes us ourselves.  

Count your blessings not your blemishes, walk with your head held high supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person no matter what your body shape is. We are all different, let it be and accept diversity. The impact of words should never be underestimated, think before you speak. 

You are good enough, be positive.


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True or False?

When my parents ask me questions about young people, attempt to investigate my overall sobriety or even query my contemporary outfit selections I do what any good son or daughter should: I lie. Honesty leads only to endless follow-up questions and an eventual nervous breakdown. No one enjoys being giving out to and a rational man can only hear ''Why?'' and "Repeat that again" so many times before he starts sniffing highlighters and eating butter straight up from the container with a dessert spoon.

When my father recently quizzed me on why I need to have my phone shadow me in everything I do, I knew a real answer coercively explaining the wonders of the internet and clarifying how much of a hold it has over our generation would only lead to hundreds of additional questions and two bright marker stains inside my nostrils. Instead, I did the reasonable thing and made it clear that it was in the case of emergencies. He immediately dropped the subject mainly because he was terrified I’d revert the blame onto him and disapprove of his lack of readiness for the next zombie apocalypse. 

Rather than being a vice, dishonesty is a powerful tool that keeps old, inquisitive people like the parents of young adults in line and establishes their company as almost tolerable. I'm not alone in embracing this essential skill. Here are five lies all adolescents tell their parents.

1. "Yes, I'm eating sensibly and getting my five-a-day". Excuse me mother but I chose everything on my plate specifically for its nutritional content. Okay, so maybe your friend did hear that rumour that these generic chicken nuggets contain more sodium than the Pacific Ocean, but according to the packaging they’re edible and fifty percent cheaper that those other brands that have actual flavour we buy at home. They also only take thirty seconds to cook in the microwave so I can resourcefully focus on 'assignments' in my free time. That makes them healthy in my book, at least as far as my mental health is concerned. Forgive me if I don’t have the patience to cook a full meal while my house-mates scream at my feet for twenty minutes over the sight of raw vegetables. To be a healthier person, I’d have to be deaf, and I'm not ready to take that step. Maybe I’ll just buy some earplugs. In the meantime, I assume whatever I'm microwaving right now passed a rigorous inspection by the Food and Drug Administration. 'Nutritious' and 'technically suitable for human consumption' are pretty much the same thing, so go smoke another cigarette you hypocritical woman.

Inspirational.
2. "I don't know where the wooden spoon is". I know, I know I am heart broken too. I was really looking forward to you slaughtering me with it and all. I think the dog could've taken it, even though he's not allowed in the house I still have a feeling it was him.

3. "This is the only TV Show on right now". I know you’d rather watch Prime Time, but all of our Irish channels mysteriously shut off tonight. Also, the BBC and whatever channel you were planning to tune into can’t show dull factual programming right now because a highly specific solar flare knocked out only the things that make you happy. I know father, it is outrageous that the government didn't take steps to cease this from happening, but here we are. I promise I’ll write an angry email to Enda himself or the relevant authorities first thing in the morning. In the meantime, my sister and I are going to watch our show, so cover your ears. This one is recommended for immature audiences due to over the top swearing and frequent deranged drag queens.  

4. "I didn't drink much tonight". Here’s the deal, mama-taxi. I do appreciate you collecting my friends and I from town but despite their laughter it really didn't hurt when I fell down the stairs in the nightclub. I just can't pitch how pain-free and sober I am right now because my drunk friend hit my head pretty hard and that's what is causing me to be dizzy, not the alcohol. Seriously, that's some impressive driving you're doing. I’ll give you a high five when I stop seeing double. If I stop crying will you agree that I'm right? Is there ice-cream at home? If not can we go get ice cream? And on the way back we’ll swing by the emergency room for that concussion I happen to have, cheers.

5. "Nope, I have never heard of an anaconda before". I guess it's some sort of extravagant starter dish? I believe I heard of a mate of mine having it at some lavish wedding in Italy a few years ago. No, dad I don't think you'd like to try it just stick to the soup of the day.  

Dishonesty is the foundation of every healthy parent-child relationship. Children who master these simple lies are guaranteed to get along with their parents, at least until those pro-creators are skilful enough to Google stuff on their own. Then those Internet-savvy old people will learn an important lesson about never trusting anyone, a revelation they never would have experienced without years of prior parental misinformation. Clearly the benefits of lying are endless.


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