An Extended Nightmare: Exam Season

Today's blog-post is unfortunately not a unique story. The thoughts and feelings which I am going through will have been experienced by many others, themselves victims. These people will be able to relate to my narrative and understand the struggle, humiliation and bloodshed I am undergoing. For those of you who will not relate entirely because you have never encountered such a dreary situation then I hope you will appreciate that this is a hard story for me to tell. The story of how I am being bullied, by a set of exams.

Over the last week I have been granted an entire week off college to study and formulate myself efficiently for the assessments ahead. Yet, all I have done is been targeted and endured constant belittlement and violence from the general exam preparation process. Yesterday for instance, my lecture notes sent me a threatening phone call that included threats of brutality, acid related disturbance and sexual assault. Regrettably, the problem is only getting worse. Regularly, my PDF reading material insults me, the insults and remarks cut me to the core and have continued for hours and days. So many times they brought me to tears and saw me sob, they laugh at my vulnerability. This leaves me to act differently and I no longer know myself. The other day I lashed out at the initiator, my fundamental accounting library book and I feel bad for stooping to their level. This seemed to be very entertaining to them and it quickly became the game to play whenever I advanced near college resources.

This picture shows clear evidence of the book attempting to smother the pupil.

I wake up in the morning and the textbooks are there staring at me, making me feel bad about myself and grumbling abuse. I try to ignore them, but the problem just keeps getting worse. It's the weekend and I'm parked on the couch trying to daydream about Jessica Biel and mentally all I can visualize is them circuiting my confinements, taunting and ridiculing me. I don't know what to do. Study is a realistic option. But then am I only giving them what they want? They have taken away all my confidence. I regularly dream of this problem in my life ending and the concept of myself gracing the cover of That's Life magazine three years down the line sharing my inspirational story seems less likely to happen day by day. It has affected me in a way I wish it hadn't. I cry myself to sleep every night and I am desperate to change my appearance in the off chance they will no longer notice me and move onto a weaker individual. I don't want to be educated any more and to be frank I don't want to be me. Why? Because of these bullies. Strange what they can make you contemplate when you feel inferior to them. I tried to befriend one of them, my logarithms handouts the other day through means of study, it wouldn't communicate with me just snarled and I retreated clutching my favourite novelty green pen, shaking.

For a time I've wondered and contemplated why me? In a world that has birthed Jedward and Katie Hopkins why have I been victimised? But then I remember it's because I refuse to apply myself and if I do the work I won't be in this situation. I would never wish any other human being to be put through the same terrible ordeal that I've had to endure because no one should have to feel this worthless. Yet, that is exactly how I feel. Procrastination is a horrible sense.

Finally I think, why do you care what these bullies think? My goal in life isn't to impress them. If I fail, I fail. There's always August repeat exams. In the last two days I have found a the light at the end of the tunnel, the ability to cram. I found this change has been a huge milestone for me and the confidence and self assurance it has brought has made me realise that thanks to the bullies I am a stronger person and may just defeat them. I won't let them dictate who I am. But is it too late to succeed now? Most definitely.