Strange Achievements

A few weeks ago my college held an achievements night celebrating and commending all the high scholars. This included excellence in a range of fields both academic and sport related. It got me thinking, what exactly I have attained in this little uneventful life of mine and the results were soul destroying. As I in fact have accomplished nothing, yes shock horror I am not the next Whitney Houston or Albert Einstein of my generation. In spite of this scandalous revelation I do possess my own niche of peculiar triumphs that I have excelled in. I declare this an excuse to blog (and possibly celebrate with alcoholic beverages).
1. Despite thriving on a full attendance record in my six years of secondary school (never missing a day, forever missing my bed). I have consequently fallen at the final, most important hurdle by struggling to maintain the required college attendance rate in my current course. 
2. I've successfully watched every single episode of Celebrity Big Brother in the last eight years. This is a huge achievement considering three years ago the show relocated off to the ridiculous channel 5 and I, the reality television show devotee no longer had the advantage of it broadcasting in the luxurious orbits of my sitting room. Nevertheless a scattering of dodgy websites later I'm still sustaining the capability to examine Z-Listers battling over hot water and cheap bottles of wine.
3. Ask me to quote Aristotle, Plato or Shakespeare and I will fail. Yet hand me that karaoke microphone for a verse of Nicki Minaj's Super Bass or the infectious It Wasn't Me by Shaggy and I will rhyme it back to you all effortlessly. Jay Z, Eminem and that whole community of rappers are unfortunately too difficult for this airhead to master.
4. I am the most reliable person I know to consistently disappoint myself and fudge everything up. If there's an important function I'm required to attend I will show up forty minutes late with a distinctive chocolate stain on my shirt, if the sign says 'do not touch' I will ultimately sneeze on it and if I've just purchased a new pair of shoes then dog shit will be the first thing I step in.
5. I occupy the remarkable ability to lower my voice a few octaves and sound like a demented creation, furthermore I can heighten my voice a scale or two and vaguely resemble the sassiness of a middle-aged black woman. The only dilemma with this is the shrieks and squeals I generate causes wild dogs of all descriptions within a four mile radius to penetrate towards me.
A small sample of some of the awards I've won for my Olympic synchronized swimming efforts.

The Joys of Sickness

First and foremost, apologies readers for the latest content slump but lately all my writing efforts have been college related and shockingly I've now found myself contending for time and hours meaning this blog has been forced to take a back seat.  I will strive to win back your approval and surrender this bad blogger label. Who knew surviving off cereal bars and not attending college would take up so much time?

Back on topic, I've recently snatched this year's must-have fresher's flu, the plague that effortlessly worms and prowls its way to the weaker, less-fortunate folk of our society. I have an immune system as hopeless as a goldfish's memory span so seasonally illnesses such as this come zip-wiring towards me at optimal speed, at all angles. Although phlegm aside let's have a glance through the perks I notice trail a virus.

1. You get to slurp plenty of Lemsip. Permitted, I understand most people aren't the biggest fans of this little saviour but I adore it. I used to drink it like a flavoured tea until I found out consuming such amounts of paracetamol for casual use wasn't the wisest of decisions

2. The iconic television sitcom Friends has taught us too much, most importantly that you get one irresistible sexy voice with a cold. Therefore send me that X Factor application form there's a new James Arthur in town.

3. The symptoms of the flu involve your throat swelling up and everything commencing to taste like cardboard. Accordingly you can eat healthily for the duration of the sickness as your taste-buds are currently non-existent meaning the broccoli is tolerable for now (although keep those eyes shut whilst eating it, your brain isn't as easily fooled).

4. I would like to create a nice, doting point here about how your family will nurse you to good health whilst your ill and care for your every need. Hot soup in bed, Modern Family re-runs and oodles of sympathy but no if you have caught a bug you have either caught it off one of them or the entire household has seized it off you at this stage and they are just as miserable and groggy as you, which is kind of a positive.

5. When you eventually beat and destroy it you will feel sensational, capable of anything. Well, apart from that overdue college assignment you aren't Bionic Woman after all.

No flu is complete without an hourly spoonful of 'pity for oneself'. 

Parents and Technology

Throughout the test of time there has always been famous rivalries that clashed and conflicted. Children versus vegetables, Coca-Cola against Pepsi, Ireland's notorious TDs opposing common sense are all mere examples we are familiar with. Technology is a core struggle for the majority of parents and a rift everyone can identity with. It has developed through the years to be a bigger strain and hindrance on their lives due to technological advancements and its now commendable importance in the modern world. My own guardians have their own particular set of perplexities and misfortunes with the new-age, hi tech' electrical world which should enlighten your next five minutes.

1. The mother has acquired an inimitable text-messaging style. She has mastered her own offbeat abbreviations ('PG' signifies 'please God'), personal sign-offs for every sent message and the art of miscalculating where to include smiley-faces in conversations.

2. The father has a fossil brick mobile phone. The same model reincarnates whenever he breaks it despite the artifact being off the market for the last ten years. Ever wonder why Ireland is inundated with potholes? It is because whenever he drops this antique it dents the road, it's a known fact the phone weights the same as a bag of cement.

3. Everything internet related is dangerous and a core topic to groan over when elderly visitors are over and the infamous Coronation Street dialogue is running thin. You could be halted quietly watching My Little Pony episodes on YouTube and it will be criticized and labelled a deadly activity.

4. It is impossible for the aul pair to deactivate the keyboard sounds on their mobile phones. All the beeping and bleeping causes severe blood boiling especially considering it takes an average of eight seconds to text the next character. This point coincides with the outrageous one finger typing strategy which millions of parents have excelled in throughout the world.

5. Too many wonders of the internet baffle my father into a state of restlessness. Explaining the concept of Twitter was more problematic than deciphering an ancient Hebrew transcript. When questioned about the theory of online shopping teleportation was the obvious avenue to venture down as an answer as I didn't the following three hours to engage in his query.

Computer always says no when my parents are using it.
Powered by Blogger.