A few weeks ago my college held an achievements night celebrating and commending all the high scholars. This included excellence in a range of fields both academic and sport related. It got me thinking, what exactly I have attained in this little uneventful life of mine and the results were soul destroying. As I in fact have accomplished nothing, yes shock horror I am not the next Whitney Houston or Albert Einstein of my generation. In spite of this scandalous revelation I do possess my own niche of peculiar triumphs that I have excelled in. I declare this an excuse to blog (and possibly celebrate with alcoholic beverages).
1. Despite thriving on a full attendance record in my six years of secondary school (never missing a day, forever missing my bed). I have consequently fallen at the final, most important hurdle by struggling to maintain the required college attendance rate in my current course.
2. I've successfully watched every single episode of Celebrity Big Brother in the last eight years. This is a huge achievement considering three years ago the show relocated off to the ridiculous channel 5 and I, the reality television show devotee no longer had the advantage of it broadcasting in the luxurious orbits of my sitting room. Nevertheless a scattering of dodgy websites later I'm still sustaining the capability to examine Z-Listers battling over hot water and cheap bottles of wine.
3. Ask me to quote Aristotle, Plato or Shakespeare and I will fail. Yet hand me that karaoke microphone for a verse of Nicki Minaj's Super Bass or the infectious It Wasn't Me by Shaggy and I will rhyme it back to you all effortlessly. Jay Z, Eminem and that whole community of rappers are unfortunately too difficult for this airhead to master.
4. I am the most reliable person I know to consistently disappoint myself and fudge everything up. If there's an important function I'm required to attend I will show up forty minutes late with a distinctive chocolate stain on my shirt, if the sign says 'do not touch' I will ultimately sneeze on it and if I've just purchased a new pair of shoes then dog shit will be the first thing I step in.
5. I occupy the remarkable ability to lower my voice a few octaves and sound like a demented creation, furthermore I can heighten my voice a scale or two and vaguely resemble the sassiness of a middle-aged black woman. The only dilemma with this is the shrieks and squeals I generate causes wild dogs of all descriptions within a four mile radius to penetrate towards me.
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| A small sample of some of the awards I've won for my Olympic synchronized swimming efforts. |
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