Summer Scorching

Here in Ireland we aren't as fortunate as our European neighbours when it comes to the weather (but hey! what we lack in sunshine we do make up for in endless caskets of tea bags). However, over the past week we've been treated to a parcel of exotic 'meteorological conditions' (my year of geography in college wasn't a complete loss), gloating Facebook statuses and several fashionable 'crocs'. Here's a batch of scenarios that always come to light (pun intended) once there is a squint of an Irish heatwave.

1. Even a minor change to the Irish climate incites the entire nation to function foolishly. If you lounge out in the sunshine for the entire day without shielding yourself with some sun-cream then logic will intrude and leave you sunburnt. Thus, don't waste your or my time weeping about it on Facebook or to your family/friends.

2. There's a glimpse of sizzling in the sky and cooking instantly ceases. ''It is salad weather'' becomes an adequate excuse for the week and you find yourself unjustly gorging on more lettuce, coleslaw and tomatoes than ever before.

3. Since the dawning of our little reclusive emerald isle the ice-breaker of every conversation has been weather related. Generally it involves criticizing the constant rainfall and persistent substandard climate but once some winsome sunshine arises (which we'd been longing for months on end) we complain about it because we are a country of professional pessimists.

4. Being the population of scroungers we are, we prioritise to salvage complete advantage out of every given opportunity. Accordingly, once the high-temperatures propel crates of family members are launched into a tractor-trailer and deported off to the nearest dreaded bog. Exactly like the scenes of slaves in a sweltering crop-field you're forced for days to foot the turf for the winter. Similarly every bed-sheet, duvet cover and table-cloth are dragged out from the house to the clothesline for this legendary 'drying weather'.

5. Every man, woman, child and dog will have received an ice-cream this week. It is simply the way we as a society operate things.