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Under the spell of sleep my mobile phone awakens me around sunrise. I reach for it and hit snooze, barely reading the screen clearly, my heart sinking to the sound of that annoying bleep. It'll go off, again, in fifteen minutes and then I'll have no option but to ignore the lure of a cozy bed. Mornings are annoying.
I grumble. My first thought is, "I need a cigarette."
Before I even get up and drag myself to the bathroom I'll light one, sitting straight, under the comfort of a warm duvet. Today will be easier, more doable, not as difficult, once I get one into my system. The world won't be such a cruel place. Its weight will be tolerable.
This train of thought doesn't cease after breakfast. It's my harsh reality and pursues me throughout the day. A behavioural pattern that eats up how I live my life and perceive my surroundings. Holding a nicotine stick captive in my kiss is my distorted version of heaven. I lean, hard, into every single one because they offer a relief that allows me to function efficiently. I'm a more productive, mellow, calmer person with a box by my side. A magical force of pleasure worth fitting into every available opportunity. A coping blueprint dictating my daily routine.
Unfortunately, up to three weeks ago, this was a reoccurring theme for the last four-odd years of my life. Addiction created a veil over my eyes. Conditioned, I lived dependent on an internal misconception. My foolish habit never qualified as a problem. I always knew it was wrong, but my tunnel vision validated a list of benefits and reasons to continue leading this unsustainable, unhealthy lifestyle.
Until, one day, my rationale flipped and propelled a change.
I don't want to come across critical of anybody. We all have our own code of ethics. Reformed smokers can, sometimes, be like bible bashers, and force their enlightened habit on people. I hate that, this isn't a hard sell. If you're happy smoking and don't see an issue in your actions, fine, keep pottering on, it's not my place to lecture. Anti-smoking campaigns are well documented, the associated risks are apparent. Scaremongering a list of facts won't raise anymore eyebrows, the dangers are out there, real and unavoidable.
For me, my freakshow had ratcheted to the point where twenty a day was no longer enough. I craved more. That up-dose was a pivotal moment. Becoming aware that I didn't have control. Even though I lost it a long time ago, a heavy, binge-smoker now, the situation was getting worse. The person staring at me through the mirror was unrecognisable. A stranger I didn't like. A slave, powerless to the nicotine industry.
I had fifteen euro in my bank account, and I was due to be paid the following day. I found myself contemplating not eating until the next payslip arrived. I'd done that before when I was really broke, cigarettes were always considered a greater necessity. But this time I didn't need two packs, one alone shouldn't even have been a priority, especially over something as fundamental as food.
In too deep, I had to readjust. Kneeling on the carpet of my bedroom, by the end of my nightstand, counting copper coins, I realised how batshit crazy my logic was. Mortified, my internal monologue finally clicked and it no longer became a pastime of weighing up options. I was sabotaging myself. I was, am, will continue to be, worth more. Each of us have enough personal problems to overcome, demons to fight, ghosts to bury and this fixation didn't have to be another distraction.
Unnerved, I sprung up, and untangled the destructive reasoning wrapped around my mind. There's many withdrawal symptoms quitters tend to face, but for me it truly was mind over matter. Once, I hit my eureka moment I waved goodbye, willingly, with a smile. Strong enough to let go cold turkey.
Overcoming addiction isn't a Pinterest board of motivational phrases. It was hard, it still is, but there's never an easy route to things that matter. Previous attempts I struggled and relapsed. This was the one that worked. You have to just keep shooting until the ball goes in.
For far too long, I was a walking contradiction. Cigarettes were, what I perceived to be, my survival mechanism, the irony of that speaks volumes for how I'll choose to reevaluate milestones in the future. Writing this post, on the other side, emerging free from a situation that for a large amount of time felt insurmountable, is an amazing emotion. I see the world for what it really is. I have rediscovered.
And that hope in my heart feels better than any drag I've ever inhaled.
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As always opinions are entirely my own, I received no fee to write this. I was given the Anza Round - Tortoise specs from GlassesShop for review purposes. I like the colour, shape and pattern. I've never owned a frame with orange and brown tones before so they're quite different. They enhance the right characteristics and soften my image. I'm not a fan of glasses too oversized, thick, or dark, they tend to drown out my oval face, these balance my dimensions perfectly. GlassesShop don't just do prescription options, but also non-prescription glasses to wear as a fashion statement. They specialise in prescription sunglasses too. The site has hundreds of glasses online to choose from, so selecting your preference should be an easy exercise, compared to local opticians that lack variety.
I've been sent a special coupon code GSHOT50 to accompany this post. It offers readers 50% off on eyeglasses and sunglasses with free lenses (sale frames excluded). Happy browsing!
Endless gratitude, also, to my friend Rachel for once again shooting the photos. She's thee bomb.
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