Searching for Trouble

When I'm not busy saving orphans from burning buildings or saving buildings from flaming orphans, I check the statistics tab of my blogger account to see what keywords people type into Google to find my blog. Monitoring where my web traffic comes from is kind of like watching paint dry, only without the sense of accomplishment or artificial high from paint fumes.

Blogger has revealed all sorts of interesting facts about the people who read this website. For example, every person who has viewed this blog has internet access and is not currently of the Amish persuasion. It also tracks the location of visitors, so I know that I get hits from such exotic locations as county Leitrim and other parts of rural Mayo. Yesterday, however, I got my first visit from Saudi Arabia, and a few weeks ago I got a hit from Tehran. American diplomats mistakenly believe that Iranians want to destroy the western world, when in reality they just want to know if Irish students enjoy the same music as them and if I plan to discontinue a trend of posts featuring my parents embarrassing me at every given opportunity.

( Picture via Capitalbay.com )

Here are some of my favourites.

'kim kardashian naked' This speaks volumes for my page and its visitors. Not only is one of my most popular search items crude, creepy and indecent, the inquirer is arriving disappointed. They're not even reading whatever nonsense I have to spew instead here solely to find a photograph that I do not own myself or have copyrighted appropriately. Integrity is overrated, or so I've been told.

'milky bar kid now' It is one of life's greatest mysteries, and considering this blog used to be called Retired Milky-Bar Kid, it makes sense. We've all been there. At some stage you have questioned whether the Calvita Cheese Girl is still in such high-spirits with life/dairy products, if the lass from the Christmas Corn Flakes ad is still actively waking up in the middle of the night to search for random old men to appear in her living room and if the Kinder Chocolate Boy still has those immaculate set of teeth after countless chocolate bars. The wonder and unknown continues.

'cheap turf for sale in boglands' Awh, apologies to disappoint but I only wrote about my participation there as a child. I don't sell anything on the internet, unless you count my dignity via the optimum of embarrassing, unneeded blog posts.

'how to successfully lie to parents' No comment. I'll just leave this here.

'are cat biscuits edible?' Hey! Curiosity killed the (ahem). Yes, in theory they are, if you are a feline animal. But I'm still confident in the knowledge that cats cannot use the internet (staring in viral YouTube videos does not count) and so I'm going to assume you are a human being or a spam robot. No, they're realistically not. My mother and I speak from experience. But each to their own.

'fat woman exercising' I give up. People are weird.