Footballs

This might be somewhat obvious but I don't really like sports. From as far back as I can remember this has always been the case and I've made my peace with it. When I was younger I used to read the headlines of the sports section of the newspaper so that I wouldn't get caught out and embarrassed that I didn't know the latest game scores the next day at school. I'd even turn on the last twenty minutes of Match of the Day so I could fake it through the school yard small-talk.

Now older and wiser, I no longer feel self-conscious or dependent on how others perceive me. I've accepted that I'm passionate about so many cool and interesting things, but sports will never be one of them. They are supposedly a pleasant distraction from the misery of life, but each season ends in crushing disappointment for the fans of all but one team, so I fail to see the logic or apparent attraction. I'm pretty much content to permanently opt out.

(Photo via InsideIreland.ie)

When the football was on last weekend, both my father and brother were glued to it. I wasn't allowed to touch the remote for fear one of them would do a Bobby Beale on me. So I decided to sit there and listen in on the backtalk of two men to a TV screen.

Father: "This is an unreal Kerry team, they're all working well today." He genuinely feels he's more competent in analysing and reviewing the match in action than the selection of professionals seated in the television studio.

Brother: "Yes, great match."

Me: "I prefer the other team, royal blue is very in this season." This is me trying, I swear.

Father: "Shut up you with that cheek."

Brother: "Do you think they'll win it Dad?"

Father: "I do. Solid team and great control of the ball." A nominee for pundit of the year, surely?

Brother: "That Kieran Donaghy is some player."

Father: "I love The D."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Father: "I love The D, always have." I suppose scrutinizing toned athletes in shorts on a biweekly basis has had a lasting effect on him.

Brother: "Dad calls Kieran Donaghy, The D." He too wasn't aware of the evident double meaning?

Me: "Oh yeah?"

I left the room at this point to go fill the rest of the household in on my latest discovery. I retreated back in for a bit of the second-half, his commentary and general criticism had increased. Still very much unaware of the noticeable sexual innuendo being used.

Father: "Would they all stop grabbing The D."

Brother: "Just leave him alone."

Father: "The D always scores and is unstoppable."

Brother: "He's top-notch."

Father: "The D knows what to do, the D will break any player in half."

Brother: "The strength in him."

Father: "The D always has full control and is hard as nails."

Sometimes I get annoyed at the prevalence of sports in popular culture, but then I watch a game with my father and I remember that almost anyone can find entertainment in it, if they search deep enough.