When my parents ask me questions about young people, attempt to investigate my overall sobriety or even query my contemporary outfit selections I do what any good son or daughter should: I lie. Honesty leads only to endless follow-up questions and an eventual nervous breakdown. No one enjoys being giving out to and a rational man can only hear ''Why?'' and "Repeat that again" so many times before he starts sniffing highlighters and eating butter straight up from the container with a dessert spoon.
When my father recently quizzed me on why I need to have my phone shadow me in everything I do, I knew a real answer coercively explaining the wonders of the internet and clarifying how much of a hold it has over our generation would only lead to hundreds of additional questions and two bright marker stains inside my nostrils. Instead, I did the reasonable thing and made it clear that it was in the case of emergencies. He immediately dropped the subject mainly because he was terrified I’d revert the blame onto him and disapprove of his lack of readiness for the next zombie apocalypse.
Rather than being a vice, dishonesty is a powerful tool that keeps old, inquisitive people like the parents of young adults in line and establishes their company as almost tolerable. I'm not alone in embracing this essential skill. Here are five lies all adolescents tell their parents.
1. "Yes, I'm eating sensibly and getting my five-a-day". Excuse me mother but I chose everything on my plate specifically for its nutritional content. Okay, so maybe your friend did hear that rumour that these generic chicken nuggets contain more sodium than the Pacific Ocean, but according to the packaging they’re edible and fifty percent cheaper that those other brands that have actual flavour we buy at home. They also only take thirty seconds to cook in the microwave so I can resourcefully focus on 'assignments' in my free time. That makes them healthy in my book, at least as far as my mental health is concerned. Forgive me if I don’t have the patience to cook a full meal while my house-mates scream at my feet for twenty minutes over the sight of raw vegetables. To be a healthier person, I’d have to be deaf, and I'm not ready to take that step. Maybe I’ll just buy some earplugs. In the meantime, I assume whatever I'm microwaving right now passed a rigorous inspection by the Food and Drug Administration. 'Nutritious' and 'technically suitable for human consumption' are pretty much the same thing, so go smoke another cigarette you hypocritical woman.
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2. "I don't know where the wooden spoon is". I know, I know I am heart broken too. I was really looking forward to you slaughtering me with it and all. I think the dog could've taken it, even though he's not allowed in the house I still have a feeling it was him.
3. "This is the only TV Show on right now". I know you’d rather watch Prime Time, but all of our Irish channels mysteriously shut off tonight. Also, the BBC and whatever channel you were planning to tune into can’t show dull factual programming right now because a highly specific solar flare knocked out only the things that make you happy. I know father, it is outrageous that the government didn't take steps to cease this from happening, but here we are. I promise I’ll write an angry email to Enda himself or the relevant authorities first thing in the morning. In the meantime, my sister and I are going to watch our show, so cover your ears. This one is recommended for immature audiences due to over the top swearing and frequent deranged drag queens.
4. "I didn't drink much tonight". Here’s the deal, mama-taxi. I do appreciate you collecting my friends and I from town but despite their laughter it really didn't hurt when I fell down the stairs in the nightclub. I just can't pitch how pain-free and sober I am right now because my drunk friend hit my head pretty hard and that's what is causing me to be dizzy, not the alcohol. Seriously, that's some impressive driving you're doing. I’ll give you a high five when I stop seeing double. If I stop crying will you agree that I'm right? Is there ice-cream at home? If not can we go get ice cream? And on the way back we’ll swing by the emergency room for that concussion I happen to have, cheers.
5. "Nope, I have never heard of an anaconda before". I guess it's some sort of extravagant starter dish? I believe I heard of a mate of mine having it at some lavish wedding in Italy a few years ago. No, dad I don't think you'd like to try it just stick to the soup of the day.
Dishonesty is the foundation of every healthy parent-child relationship. Children who master these simple lies are guaranteed to get along with their parents, at least until those pro-creators are skilful enough to Google stuff on their own. Then those Internet-savvy old people will learn an important lesson about never trusting anyone, a revelation they never would have experienced without years of prior parental misinformation. Clearly the benefits of lying are endless.
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