Thanks be to Bog

We are taught from an early age not to discriminate based on race, creed, sexuality or colour. However, there is one form of bias I and many other fellow Irish natives refuse to give up. We judge people by how well they can condone the bog.

In this leprechaun infested society, if you are handed a pair of Rigger Boots or oversized gloves and you accept your call of duty, congratulations, we won’t fantasize about slaughtering you in your sleep and dispatching the remains of your body off to a Pedigree dog food factory. No one is asking you to fall in love with the place. Honestly, we don’t even care how much it upsets you. But if you’re a man/woman/goblin over the age of three and someone informs you a trip to the bog is on the cards, you simply go. That’s the rule. It doesn't matter if you’re watching your favourite television programme, set to sit a leaving cert exam or preparing to walk down the aisle. To pass the ultimate culchie test, all you have to do is politely accept a burden that lies deep within Irish history. I learned the hard way. You're probably going to want to stick around and read about some of the attractions the bog occupies.

It's customary for Irish folk to compliment the turf.

1. Canine Adventures. I don't know what is it with the locals here but they interpret the bog as some form of holiday resort for their pets. The dogs partake in a range of recreational activities and rejoice in the amenities of their surroundings whilst their owners slave away at a source of fuel for the winter. Our own pooch is no exception, on arrival he even displays this odd sense of smugness, this mistaken superiority or predominance believing that he is considered above us as he is there for leisure and not expected to sweat it out like his human counterparts.

2. Bog Holes. There was once a myth that if you fell into one of these deathly openings you would end up in Australia. Forget serial killers, both the young and old of our nation remain petrified that their mortality could be subject to one of these open-pits of soft mud i.e. Irish quicksand.

3. Broken Back Issues. Bogs keep the chiropractors, physiotherapists and massage therapists of our country in business. When you are there strict orders are placed that you cannot stand up straight unless you are dying or ultimately pose a substantial threat to the turf. Essentially, there is a reason why Ireland has the largest population of hunchbacks in the world.

4. Frogs. They are everywhere. Physical encounters with these amphibians get more and more terrifying with age. They are fast and they will chase you, no confrontation is straightforward. Just be kind to them and if you're lucky a battle to the death could be avoided. My only weapon in these showdowns is verbal abuse, but they never seem to be intimidated by it.

5. The Journey Home. You are incorrect if you assumed that this aspect of the day would be the best part. There's two types of walks of shame on the emerald isle. My guess is that you're familiar enough with the first and that it needs no explanation. The second, most common one is the drive home from a day at the bog. Your parents get the luxury of cruising up in first class in the tractor whereas any other individual (dog included) is mounted up on top of the heap of turf overloading the trailer.