Leo

"It must be hugely exciting, Varadkar being Taoiseach," my barber raved, mid-way through cutting my hair.

"Right," I answered distantly, bewildered, not wanting to be drawn into conversation.

"It will be great for you, I bet you think it's fab," she added quizzically.

"Yep!" I said uneasily, in the vaguest terms possible, to obscure the fact I know next to nothing about politics.

I offered a supportive half-smile, to discourage further probing.

"He'll do no wrong in your eyes, and many others, he has a lot of back-up," she clarified, making it abundantly clear she was referring to his sexuality, chipping away at some inane identity political theory she had contrived in her head.

I sensed annoyance, probably because I was being incredibly uncooperative in indulging her by being the accomplice to the interview.

I winced in disbelief, and chewed on the inside of my cheek.

"Will you be long more?" I said with more authority than I felt, wanting no further business with Nancy Drew's spawn.

"Two minutes," she replied, craning my head back. 

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Orlando Pulse Shooting

I received the news late Sunday evening. I did not cry. No tears were forthcoming. I only breathed. And then I rooted my face in my pillow like an animal.

The feelings were all working away inside, like a pressure cooker, but I didn't have either the words or the spiritual strength to express them. I was empty, in shock, detached. I wanted to howl and howl and howl. I needed to cry, shriek, mourn the senseless loss of innocent lives, but I didn't, I couldn't. Initially these feelings simmered away, waiting to release themselves through normal expression, until, thwarted, they eventually boiled over, resulting in anger and confusion.

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Caitlyn Jenner: My Thoughts

Everywhere you turn these days, the Kardashian family are making headlines and their ever-expanding empire shows no signs of slowing down. Maybe it's because we've entered into an era where 'fame' has far less to do with real merit or genuine talent and far more to do with tabloid scandal and reality television series. Maybe it's because humanity has gradually peaked and this is what we are left with. I've never been a huge lover of their glorified brand, but I've never been a hater either, it has always been a case of indifference for me until recently when Caitlyn Jenner entered the public eye.

There's probably a few people reading this thinking I'm just a sell out, jumping on the bandwagon of the latest hot topic to get views and readers but Caitlyn and her story is no longer news, this has been happening for some time now, with the Vanity Fair cover, the Diane Sawyer television interview and the awards speech, this revelation has been going on for months.

( Photo via Superfame.com )

Biologically we are all assigned a certain sex at birth, that's something we have zero control over but that does not mean you identify with that particular gender. This post is not going to delve much deeper into the nitty gritty essentials than that. Mainly because I spoke briefly about this before. What I intend to write about is that although the public's response has been largely positive and accepting, it has bothered me how insensitive and analytical some have become when discussing Caitlyn's appearance and more importantly, her body.

Negative body image of women has always been strong in the media, unfortunately that doesn't look likely to change any time soon. Feminine beauty and what a person should or could look like in marketing and advertising in particular is a controversial issue and a huge problem, Caitlyn was never going to escape it. But name one other female celebrity that has to endure constant scrutinisation and speculation over her genitalia and her most personal body parts? And worse for people to find they're perfectly entitled to enquire and question it.

It's this trans objectification that I really dislike. This is someone's private information and I don't see why it's anybody's right to talk about. Why should you or anyone care what these men and women do to their genitalia? I was in McDonald's the other day and two teenage girls were loudly discussing graphically the bodily transitioning she's likely to have encountered for the whole restaurant to hear. People are obsessed with the physical process and aspect of the transition, fixated almost. Your anatomy has very little to do with your gender identity. Viewing the trans community as objects, freak shows, walking science experiments and not real people with personalities and feelings is heartless and insensitive. Every human being deserves respect and their personal privacy, no matter how famous they are. 

( Photo via YouTube.com )

I get that understanding something paves the way for acceptance but this angle people tend to be focussing on is only a small, small part of a person's transition, and with all the unemployment, suicides, homelessness, that particular community experience there's so much more meaningful issues to talk about. 

We need to move towards acceptance of females with male genitals and males with female genitals, instead of seeing all these surgeries as the answer. Perhaps a lot of gender dysphoria is more of a reaction to society's gender binary than anything else. A woman can have a penis and vice versa.

Don't misinterpret me, I firmly believe people have every right to alter their bodies as they please. Especially if doing so will improve their psychological well-being and self-esteem. I do not and will not agree with any movement that denounces people for this. What I am against is the insistence that in order to be a true woman you have to do hormone therapy and undergo sex reassignment surgery. You can be a woman either way. Everyone is an autonomous human being. I realise that sounds extremely obnoxious coming from a twenty-two year old man, but it's my opinion nonetheless.

We need to change laws in many places that specifically require that surgery to actually legally be that gender. Your mind, your brain tells you what you are. There are many people in the trans community that have no desire for SRS. You have the right to your own body, so if the surgery doesn't suit certain individuals, it doesn't suit them, case closed.

( Photo via Insideedition.com ) 

Lastly, there's been the issue labelling Caitlyn a hero. Obviously people who fight on the front line are heroes and there's no denying that but it's important to note heroes come in many shapes and forms. A mother can be a hero, a cancer survivor can be a hero, a kid who sits and talks to a lonely class-mate in the canteen is probably a hero, a singer-songwriter who makes a girl with depression realise that things will get better is a hero. The title is subjective, everyone is inspired and empowered differently.

Her courageous story reminds people that it's never too late to become who you truly are, and that's pretty damn heroic to me. With everything she's gone through she's proven that you have only got one life to live, and how important it is to make sure it's the best one for you. Imagine all the young transgender boys and girls currently suffering that she's providing hope for? Overcoming all this widespread judgement and ignorance is doing a lot of good. Her bravery to face the world and its criticism is saving lives, that is a fact, whether you agree with it or not.

In every aspect of life it is necessary to listen, learn and educate yourself. Today, I want to challenge you to expand your idea of what gender truly is.

( Photo via Vanityfair.com )

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We Made History

Following the success of last week's post OutWest contacted me wondering if I would be interested in writing a guest author piece for them discussing how I was before the vote and how I feel now that it has passed. OutWest is a voluntary social and support group for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in the West of Ireland, they do extraordinary work so obviously I was delighted to help out. Plus I'm one always happy to give my two cents on anything, you should all know that by now. Below is the said article.   

                                       ___________________________________________

Life is a journey filled with lessons, hardships, heartaches, celebrations and special moments that will ultimately lead us to our destination and purpose. Over the past few months with the marriage referendum approaching I went through my own personal journey. An emotional roller coaster that I plan to share briefly today. This is being done to allow people really grasp how grateful and appreciative I am of the end result and the support witnessed in passing Amendment 34.

Back when polling day felt almost like a different era light-years away, I was quite angry and annoyed with the whole situation. Resentful, I didn't want to acknowledge what our nation was set to face. I understood because of the design of the Irish constitution a referendum was needed (I'm aware of how constitutional change works, for the record I know we're not run by a backwards state and it's great that the people have so much power and control) but I still found it humiliating. We were putting the concept of equal recognition to public vote, whether two people who love each other could marry was up for argument.

( Photo via Cnbc.com )

Throughout the 'debate' we heard a lot about maintaining 'balance'. National broadcasters couldn't show bias, viewpoints had to be expressed equally and upholding neutrality was essential. I took issue with this, mainly because I felt providing exposure to a side that disfavoured the notion of an entire minority of people receiving the same support, kindness and respect as others a bitter pill to swallow. Young LGBT youths are already overly conscious of disapproval, so to see this sort of negative behaviour being tolerated and endorsed on television, on signposts, on streets, through letterboxes was in my opinion causing so much unneeded anxiousness, further confusion and despair.  

I had built up this wall of resentment towards this referendum, a guard that I eventually let down.

( Photo via Change.org )

Guilt then stumbled onto the scene. Was I doing enough? Could I in any way be more productive? Seeing canvassers out advocating on doorsteps, being exposed to abuse yet still upholding nobility and persevering. Having people and businesses vocalising their passion and enthusiasm for equality on social media. The amount of Yes campaigners who sacrificed their privacy to tell people what it meant to them. The bulk of voters who flew home from all over the world to play their part. It became easy for me to doubt my place.

In the end I became overpowered with pride and honour. There's the old saying, you can't teach an old dog new tricks but the speed of transformations in social attitudes we saw was phenomenal. It fast became a social movement. A small religious, socially conservative country had adapted to modern times. This wasn't solely a victory for the young and free spirited, older generations spoke up and were heard. I didn't expect it to be overall that magical or that inspiring, but it was. I went through a self-discovery, and as dramatic as it sounds experienced a lot of soul-searching. The breath and scale of the Yes vote will hopefully continue to stand to me and many others. 

( Photo via Thejournal.ie )

In the end I learned this referendum was important because it helped create acceptance and normalise the LGBT community within society. It reignited momentum, it had a context and became a subject worth talking about and no longer something to just shut down. It showcased how dark the clouds over homophobia are. It helped develop empathy and understanding. The funny thing is in years to come we'll probably appreciate the true extent of what we went through more. The whole experience was very humbling and exhilarating. We reached a step closer to the day when homophobia becomes synonymous with ignorance.

In life you go through many journeys, this for me was one of them. I've learned the road will not always be smooth, in fact throughout our travels we will encounter many challenges and obstacles. But right now after the last few months especially I've realised it's important to just enjoy the ride. 

( Photo via Metro.co.uk )

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Make Grá the Law

It's half six in the morning and I cannot sleep. In half an hour's time the polling stations will open and Ireland will have the opportunity to vote for equality, in the marriage referendum. I genuinely wasn't planning on addressing anything online concerning this debate. I will explain why again, but today, right now I feel helpless and my urge to write has never been stronger. 

This post is not going to bombard you with constitutional acts or in-depth legislation reports. I'm not going to rhyme off a collection of statistics, polls or surveys in the hope of making you realise the seriousness of this topic. I will not mention or retaliate against anything the No campaign have brought forward or said, despite how much it might have denigrated, offended and upset me or others. 

This is just one person speaking to another. Because I feel that's almost being lost in the sea of abstract arguments and television debates that have overwhelmed us the last few weeks. My personal testimony isn't intended as a desperate, final attempt pity party, the last thing I want is your sympathy. I'm writing this to give people a small insight into what it's like to be an LGBTQ person in Ireland without equal rights and why as a result this referendum is so important.

 ( Photo via Yesequality.ie )

I was born in the maternity unit of Ealing General Hospital, West London on 7 January 1993. I was born with a fraternal older twin sister who arrived thirty-five minutes before me. I was born with bright blue eyes. I was born with two loving, eager but petrified first time parents. I was born with a streak of blonde hair. And I believe I was born gay.

From the offset society's expectations for me were very different, when you see a newborn baby boy lying in a bassinet in the maternity ward you don't ask the parents at what age do you think he'll come out or what do you think his first boyfriend will be like? From a young age I always knew deep down that I was different. When I was seven I wanted to play Barbies with my sisters and by eleven we had already started creating our own synchronised S Club 7 dance moves to showcase at parties. Back then I obviously had no idea over the impact my sexuality would have over my life. 

Coming into my early teen years I started questioning myself, at first assuming that everybody had these thoughts and it wasn't something to be spoken about, that it would eventually go away. But of course, it didn't. The shame, the fear, the panic soon began to consume me and dictate my life. Secrecy, insecurity, loneliness became my own self-inflicted punishment for thinking all these wrong, abnormal thoughts. I became obsessed with lying to myself. Tormented with self-hatred and conditioning myself into thinking that I was straight. Self-censoring, repressing fundamental aspects of my personality and who I was. Refusing to let those around me get to know me. It was a weight that eventually took its toll. I was sick of constantly battling with myself. I struggled for years against being gay, I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to be the object of ridicule and scorn. I was terrified of what lied ahead.

The everyday sneers, disgust and discrimination is something the LGBTQ community can relate to and identify with. People who wouldn't even know you, having personal discomfort with who you are. Belittling your entire existence. Who chooses to live a life full of risks, consequences, uncertainty and danger? Not having the same privileges as others. Having strangers actively campaign against your rights as a human being. Consistently dealing with confused glances and murmured whispers from onlookers. Being a form of amusement for groups of rambling teenagers or late night drunks. Being a target of abuse

 ( Photo via Broadsheet.ie )

This is only a small part of my story, throughout the world there's many others growing up in similar circumstances. Feeling less than their peers, living in fear of rejection, not only from the public but from family members, friends and loved ones. People enduring sleepless nights, experiencing relentless hardships. Exhausted from holding back with every ounce of strength who they truly are, unwilling, unable to accept themselves. A life of second-guessing and hesitation is all they know. Some of these LGBTQ youths have absolutely no one to confide in their loneliness. It destroys lives. 

Today, I love who I am and I'm so proud to be gay. It's taken me twenty-one years to learn to overcome my demons and reach this stage of acceptance. Everyone in life has various dreams and ambitions, but we all share one true desire, the thought of falling in love. Everyone deserves that chance. These hopes and aspirations are no different. An equal Ireland will be the start of a legacy for all those little boys and girls who are currently teased, who are afraid, who can't express themselves freely yet and don't even realise that they are allowed go against the grain to embrace their true selves.  

With this referendum the future of so many young people is at stake. In a world infused with homophobia today is a beacon of hope for so many. Please not only make the right choice but let people finally live their lives openly, fearlessly and proudly. A Yes vote carries a message to love and be supportive of all, regardless of the circumstances. I know we each have that power inside of us, but sometimes we all just need that extra push. 

 (Photo via Irishexaminer.ie )

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Dolce & Gabbana: Off-Trend?

We are fortunate enough to be living in a somewhat liberal age and society. People for the most part are allowed to develop their own lifestyles and express themselves freely without a great deal of censorship or restraint. But sometimes this can create problems, not everyone is as free-spirited as you would hope. 

A week or so ago legendary Italian fashion designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana's controversial comments opposing in vitro fertilisation, surrogacy and same sex parenting lit up a tense worldwide debate. Dolce's choice of words in particular caused huge offence, after he stated "I'm not convinced by what I call chemical children, synthetic babies."

(Photo via Swide.com)

Clearly Dolce & Gabbana have upset a lot of people, considering they are both openly gay men themselves it's being seen as an act of betrayal. Obviously, I don't support their views, but I support the fact that they have the right to comment. It's important people realise everyone is entitled to their own opinion, be it good or bad. How an individual expresses it is equally as important. You can get your point across without doing it in a hurtful, nasty way. 

I believe a person's identity is not determined by his/her parents, it's who you are not where you came from. A father is not a man who donates sperm and a mother is not a woman who donates her eggs, a parent is the person who raises you, loves you unconditionally and is there for you when it matters. Genes are irrelevant. I respect that certain people in this world feel genetic heritage is a fundamental right and nature will always dictate that every human being came from a father and a mother. But I really think society it to blame here for wronging donor children and placing this unneeded emphasis on biological importance, family is not to be defined by blood, it is defined by love.

 (Photo via Indiatoday.intoday.in) 

My only real criticism is that I found Dolce's comment on 'synthetic' babies particularly patronizing. Each child is a blessing, God or nature still has a helping hand in everything brought into this earth, it's ignorant to think otherwise. Technology and science is still not the sole source or provider. All babies have a heart and soul, we're not talking about material items or commodities, these are real life human beings, to label them as anything less than that is disgusting. The reality is IVF is a miracle that has allowed loving people throughout the world both gay and straight to fulfil their dream of having children and becoming parents, to dismiss assisted reproduction and its endless benefits is crazy. The gift of life is special and is always going to continue to be a gift regardless of the circumstances. 

Celebrities such as Elton John and Madonna are now campaigning for a global boycott of the fashion-house. But what's the purpose of this? They themselves have tarnished their own brand a great deal. The damage is already done. We all have different viewpoints and every right to be different in those views. The entire concept of free-speech is to be open and not so intolerant of different opinions. Trying to destroy or ruin a brand just for the sake of it just doesn't seem right.

I've never been able to afford their clothing up to now so it's no great loss on my part, I just hope this recent war of words opens up people's minds a bit more and allows them to see past their own values.

(Photo via Cpp-luxury.com)

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Twins Come Out To Dad: My Reaction

All over the internet there seems to be a popular trend nowadays of young adults self-disclosing their sexual orientation 'live' to their loved ones online. There's the viral video of the Rhodes brothers 'coming out' over the phone to their father, with the thumbnail of them both sobbing. On YouTube, there's thousands of videos readily available of adolescents secretly video-taping their 'conservative' parents’ reaction. Throughout the internet, endless clips of people yelling, screaming, shouting, crying, exposing themselves and sharing such an intimate moment for all the world to see.

Firstly, as both a gay man and human being I do find it very courageous that people can put themselves out there like this, it's very brave uploading so much vulnerability. All in all, they are sending out a good message of being true to yourself and overcoming rejection and social stigma. For the twins, they may have wanted to share what was such a meaningful moment to them with the world. Seeing and being able to watch the process unfold could absolutely help someone struggling. It could have been done all in good faith and be the ultimate act of kindness. 

I applaud folks for coming out in whatever manner they see fit, but I have become weary of this contrived, phony social-media documentation. As unpopular as my opinion may be I think that something as innately personal and in-depth as ‘coming out’ to family and friends should not be broadcast to absolute strangers on the internet in order to make a quick buck. Watching the twins’ video, I really felt recording their father in this fashion seemed a bit of an invasion of privacy.

What people don't realise is a lot of these videos are made with the intention of achieving viral status. They know what will generate a lot of attention and help generate a lavish pay cheque. Making money out of someone's sympathy and turning the whole experience into a financial profit and gain is not too difficult. 

Videos like these tend to exploit their loved ones and manipulate their audience. Using their coming out experience as a form of self-promotion. It really has become this weird spectacle of self-imposed shame and drama. There's an obsession with becoming famous, for the right or wrong reasons.  But the more normal coming out is, the more people will come out and that's the end goal here. 

It’s sad that such an important moment in these two young men’s lives placed more significance on recording their father's response. If the moment was truly important don’t you owe it to yourself and your parent to do it in person? The whole thing comes across very narcissistic. People exploiting their own experiences to become famous really trivializes the real adversities many people face when coming out.

The way you live your life every day is what makes you an example to others. I have absolutely no problem with YouTubers sharing their 'coming out stories' online as they are completely different, they represent a reflection of the whole experience and speak collectively about all aspects of the journey. Visibility is important, they can put coming out and being gay in perspective for a lot of straight people who've never thought about the process or been exposed to it. I might even write a post someday myself documenting my own story as I understand how beneficial they can be. But the same does not apply to these hot mess Blair Witch Project videos, where crying for five minutes straight into a camera is expected to advocate equality. 

All these videos are very serious, dramatic and intense. For people struggling with their own sexuality I want you to know that these don't reflect everyone's experience. If I was still in the closet I'd never want to come out and go through what I'd have just watched. But people don't see is that for many people it's almost a celebration, you're surrounded by loving people who are totally okay with the situation. It can even be funny. I do think coming more towards the future it's heading more in that side of things, it's comfortable, it's normal. It can be such a warm, heart-felt, happy, positive experience. Yes, there it can be tear-felt, it will be hard, some people won't understand it and not everyone will take it well as they should but if we always just concentrate on that we're never going to move on and grow. Focus on the supporters, the good ones, the people that matter.If they end up making one gay person scared that this much drama lies ahead of coming out, then are they really helping? Making money isn't wrong but making money while damaging the morale of people who are already struggling is.  

Finally, I'd just like to touch on the actuality that videos like these are doing another serious disservice, there’s something really weird about 'coming out' stories like these that focus almost entirely on the parents’ reaction, be it good or bad. The point of coming out is to come out. It’s to help you, the person. It’s a psychological process or journey and a matter of personal identification and liberation, finding comfort in your own skin. These videos do the bizarre thing of setting the parents' judgement as the focal point of the entire experience. Stunts like this won’t necessarily encourage a young person to come out. If he/she is more concerned with what his/her parents will think, then we are losing sight of the genuine reality. Self-acceptance is the priority, this is your life not anyone else's. 

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Transphobia at First-Hand

I have never really spoken about transgender rights and issues before but something happened the other day that really got me thinking about the whole subject and society's view on it.

I was out for lunch with a friend last Monday, it was around midday and as you can imagine the lunch rush hour was prominent and the place we were in was packed. Half way through our meal a male-to-female transgender woman walked into the restaurant with her friend. She looked to be in the early stages of her transitioning so (in the least offensive way possible) you could tell she wasn't a biological woman.

There was a family seated next to us, a middle-aged mother and father out with their teenage son who was seated opposite to them, at first they all seemed to be enjoying each other's company and their lunch. Instantly they completely dropped whatever they were discussing as her entrance had grasped their attention. All over the restaurant you could hear them talking about her, talking about how weird she was, making constant distasteful jokes, questioning why "he" couldn't just be wearing normal men's clothes, disputing which bathroom "it" would use and how uncomfortable they were with the entire situation. I was disgusted, the three of them are adults at the end of the day, two of them parents. Had they no sense? Where was their respect for this person? I don't know if this was transphobia or just incredible ignorance.

It made me very sad to see that this was literally the most exciting thing that has ever happened to these people just because there was a transgender woman in the same building as them.

I felt so sorry for this poor girl. I have so much respect for anyone who can go out of the norm and stand out like that just to be themselves. It really, really annoys me when people talk about and judge something they know absolutely nothing about, they don't understand trans people, they don't understand what it feels like to be in the wrong body, they don't understand why someone would want to transition into the other gender. Yet they still feel the need to push their stupidly naive opinion onto others. 

It's the twenty-first century for God's sake, nothing any more is completely black and white, educate yourself transgender people are a solid part of our society, if someone isn't happy in their own gender surely they themselves can control their own destiny, they're the only ones equipped to choose what they want to do with their body and life. I consider myself a man , I was born physically male and and identify as one and thankfully it's never been a concern, but there is people out there who feel they were assigned the wrong gender at birth. These poor people who are trapped in the wrong bodies and want to be the other sex, not only do they have to battle with themselves wondering if they are gay or if they truly want to be the other gender or not, but they also face so many difficult legal battles, undergo the most excruciating surgeries (if that's an option they decide to go for), face all these emotional roller-coasters that we couldn't even dare imagine.  Some of them end up losing the support of their family and closest friends just to reach a stage where they feel like the person on the inside. Then after all this they still have to deal with society and all these bastards who judge them so ignorantly.

I just cannot grasp the concept that people still don't get that gender expression and gender identity are two complete different things, your body, your genitalia doesn't define who you are. It's what's on the inside that counts. There's a whole spectrum out there, people need to understand this. For example, some people are androgynous and just want to be whatever gender they associate with themselves that day, or often don't even don't want to be linked with a gender at all, they are just a human being.

All these people sacrifice so much just to be the person they want to be. Last Monday was there any point in these people being mean or disrespectful? Was she hurting anyone? What was so different about her eating her lunch than any of the rest of us? Just because she might not have been as passable as others doesn't seem like a valid reason to me. 

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